We have the right to set boundaries. Boundaries of time, boundaries of emotional labor, financial boundaries. A boundary is NOT a request. Boundaries are how we take care of ourselves. They are how we define ourselves. We need them for physical and psychic survival. A boundary says, “If you do this, I will do this [act of self care and boundary enforcement].” It may sound like these should change according to every circumstance or person, but they shouldn’t.
Principles and values are what we use to dictate our boundaries. A principle is a comprehensive and fundamental rule of conduct. A value is an ethical or moral belief or set of beliefs, and it is defined by what an individual or society deems right or wrong. For our purposes, our values are about what we, as individuals, deem right and wrong, for our own well-being. Our principles and values guide our lives and actions.
Sometimes, our priorities are not aligned with our values and principles. For example, we may notice ourselves avoiding necessary confrontation, or making people-pleasing a priority. We may find ourselves making pleasure-seeking a priority. We may find ourselves making material success our priorities. We might even find ourselves making addictive substances or behaviors a priority. Of course there is nothing inherently wrong with seeking pleasure, cultivating peace in our relationships, or pursuing material security. Asking ourselves whether our priorities are aligned with our values can help us discover and enforce good boundaries that support our noble aspirations for health, happiness, and security.
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